Sunday I stood and sang the words to praise songs emblazoned up on a large screen. I began the next line…then the next… and found myself singing “I love you, Lord.” I paused and listened and thought. The words stuck in my throat. My love for God fails in comparison to His love for me. It falls so far short that I hesitate to sing of my love for Him because it feels false.
Prone to wander is more what I feel about my love for God. I feel it just as the old hymn says, my tendency to wander. Two weeks ago in the midst of fiery arrows flying at me, my family, my friends, my coworkers…His presence kept me and calmed me. Now when the intensity of the attack is subsiding and a new normal establishes itself I so quickly wander back to my old ways…my old forgetfulness of His daily presence in the calm.
All this wandering of my heart and my feeling of it glues my throat shut. Do I love Him? It is clear His love is greater. How do I feel about such an unbalanced relationship? If I saw a marriage where the couple clearly stated one member loved the other more, that one member wandered but the other held strong and faithful…I would have strong opinions. My first thought condemns the wayward one and wants equal love for the faithful one.
So it is with me and God. I am the wayward, He is the Faithful. We both know it. To be fully known and fully loved is life changing. To not be able to repay or fully return that love is humbling and, yet, oddly freeing. No pretending needed. He knows me and I can hide nothing. He loves me eyes wide open.
I will sing of my love for the Lord. Sometimes there will be a grin as I accept such extravagant love. Sometimes a tear in my eye as I contemplate how little I deserve His love. Because true love transforms, I receive His love in hope that I can grow more like Him.
What songs or phrases cause you to pause and ponder?