The Abyss

A dark void.  An endlessly deep pit.  Unsearchable.  Terrifying.  Knowledge of it changes everything.  Must avoid it.  Only the crazy, careless, or foolishly brave enter it.  The Abyss.

There’s an abyss in my soul.  I side step it.  I try to ignore it.  Erase it. Deny it.  Occasionally I try to feed it (the abyss is hungry) but it always wants more.  Doubts live in the abyss.  The painful soul-shaking fears dwell there.  It looks like a brick wall or a strong fence to my friends who need to be protected.  I’m quite sure they’ll fall into my soul abyss and be lost to me.  Sometimes I tell them there’s something there.  It’s more like a cautionary, non-verbal stop sign.  Most seem to respect it.

I only recently discovered my abyss…those dark thoughts I don’t want to think about.  Thoughts of how maybe it’s me…I’m the problem.  I’m the selfish one.  I’m the demanding, manipulative one.  I’m the one who must win, must be appreciated, must be pleased…or else.

The walls around the abyss concealed it, I thought.  But now I think I’m the only one who didn’t know it was there.  All the terrain around it I carefully cultivated to be pleasing to me and, I thought, to others.  But now I don’t know!  There’s a stench on the peaceful streets of my heart.  It comes for the Abyss.  It smells like anger.  It looks like rage.  I can’t get rid of the stench.  My kids too often get whiffs.  My husband is the one I want to smell it because for a long time I thought he was the source of the stench.  But now I know it’s me.  Oh, he has his too.  Maybe I smelled his before I knew that everyone has the Abyss.

A longing has risen lately in my heart to be brave, to tear down the wall and look at the Abyss full on.  I want to see what’s there and discover what cannot be hidden.  Not alone.  I don’t want to go alone but there is One who has gone before that holds the Light.  He knows my Abyss because He has conquered it.  He can light it up.  I will take a few brave friends who haven’t respected my boundary because I think they know they have an Abyss too.

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