hope

The Fourth Watch…

~ eternalwaitofglory ~ 2 Comments

My dad died during the 4th watch of the night. The darkest time before the sun rises. We sat on the back patio watching the sunrise as they took his body away.

The Grand Canyon at sunrise…

It’s usually the 4th watch when I wake up and wrestle with worry and fear, anxiety. Sleep eludes me and hope feels far away. I’m convinced the fourth watch is a time of deep darkness physically and spiritually.

I wonder if Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane during the 4th watch. Was it during that watch that His disciples failed him in their weakness and fell asleep three times? I’ve often thought Jesus suffered multiple betrayals that night.

Was it the fourth watch when Jesus calmed the storms, displaying His authority over creation?

It was most likely the 4th watch when Peter did what he was convinced he’d never do. He denied knowing Jesus three times. In the 4th watch, Peter met himself in a way that crucified the pride that he could never seem to see. He couldn’t stay awake for Jesus and now he willfully left him too.

When Jesus passed by His disciples walking on water, it was the 4th watch. The darkest hour, the time when the storms are strong and the waves are high, and the effort of fighting the headwinds of life threatens to overwhelm them. They look out, exhausted. All the wonder of the miracle of Jesus feeding 5,000 people and the excitement of being sent out and coming back with stories of God’s power at work through them had faded.

They rowed against headwinds through the night and looked up and saw a figure walking on water…and fear overcame them. They thought Jesus was a ghost and it scared the crap out of them, a bunch of tough fishermen who had seen a fair share of evil spirits cast out of people.

They basically miss the object lesson Jesus intended to show them. Calming of Storm + Healings + Feeding of 5,000 + Walking on Water = ?

Jesus’ reaction to them is of great comfort to me. They still couldn’t put it together and instead of peacing out in frustration and meeting them on the other side, Jesus gets into the boat and is who He is. He is Immanuel. God with us even when we fail the test. He calms the headwinds and accompanies them in their fear.

And so in the 4th watch, when the headwinds are strongest and the fears, failures, and frailty pounds us, I want to remember the Jesus gets in the boat with His disciples. He gets in it with me too.

He is God with me.

Still waters…

A Reminder to Myself Upon the Advent of Another Senior Year

~ eternalwaitofglory ~ 2 Comments

School supplies stock shelves at stores, emails arrive about schedule pick ups, senior photo sessions get booked, google calendar dates beckon to be added…they all tell me it won’t be long at all until the pace of my life quickens.

I’m not ready.

It’s a senior year for one of my kids which means lots of extra…stuff. Lots of extra questions for them. Lots of extra questions for me. Lots of coaching through a year of persevering through what they are ready to let go. Constant conversations extending hope for a future that is still murky, the outlines forming but the substance unknown.

Accolades and awards offer less and less motivation and the goal, in our home at least today, is to just cross the finish line. To press into resources still forming in the soul to live life that is truly life. Time will reveal what gets borne through such seasons of endurance.

I know there’s hope in the chaos and uncertainty of the senior year. I’ve walked through it already with one child and dozens of college students.

The path is always loopy and fraught with uncertainty but through these big life transitions I look back and see:

a worthy image depicting what a senior year feels like for some

the next steps revealed as each step is taken

most of the questions of the fall somehow gain direction by spring

faith required even for those that are 100% certain of their direction

friendships deepen and form in seasons of transition for those that continue to cultivate them

these big moments always needing to yield to farther-reaching truths of identity

Because graduating is one milestone in a long journey of twists and bends. It’s easy to see it loom with more import than it deserves. It’s not the final goal of life. There are much bigger goals worth pursuing that involve integrity of character, perseverance, and hope.

May this milestone and all it takes to get to it yield more of what is required to pursue even loftier yet less celebrated vistas.

The Stir of Hope

~ eternalwaitofglory ~ 2 Comments

Last year, Dad gave us a Christmas tree. Pre-lit, he assured us. We accepted and they hauled it to Florida where we were living just last year.

After Thanksgiving, we opened the box and encountered a hairball of Christmas lights. My husband and I looked at each other. Dad harrumphed and commented, “post lit, I guess.” We laughed and began the task of unsnarling a few layers of Christmas lights that didn’t all light. After figuring out which lights plugged in where, we still noticed a quadrant of the tree was dark. Our oldest touched a strand and, voila! Lights! A Christmas miracle.

I remember Christmas past and I startle at how much can change in just a year. It takes the breath away and leaves me a bit brokenhearted. This Christmas is not what I expected last Christmas.

So much is new. So much is not with me. I don’t know always know where to hang the old memories. They surround me in the form of ornaments from family and friends, nativities from far off places. All symbols of real events and real people that stir up nostalgia for times past.

Hope is the advent focus this week. It’s stirred around in my soul for a few days now. Hope seemed such an ethereal word in the past.

Hope.

Like a wish upon a star. It just went out into oblivion, or so I understood it.

This year, I think about hope and I see hope begin in the past with the promise of One who would come and crush the head of the snake. It continued with One who fulfilled the promise by substituting His death for mine. And, hope stretches strong into the future attached to the One who entered behind the Veil that separated men from God. Jesus.

DSC_0051One day He will come back and put to rights all that is wrong, and there is so much still wrong.

Hope is surer and stronger than I ever knew.

Hope means I can hold joy and sorrow together, because I know there will be a day when the tears will end. It is not today, but I know there is a day. That is enough.

Hope means the future is bright because God promises to never leave or betray His children. I am not alone.

Hope says there is a purpose in and there will be an end to suffering. God does not waste the hard things in my life.

Hope straightens my spiritual spine and lifts my head. Hope says life will not always be like this. Hope extends the offer of joy in the midst of deep sorrow.

Hope is a strong word. It’s a bold, uplifted smile through tears.